A Departure

With today being my last day in Spain, it seems like an appropriate time to address a frequently asked question. Why? What am I doing here? I´ve been asked this question by Spaniards, Germans, Americans, one Nicaraguan, and myself (plenty of times). After the question has been posed, I tend to pause in contemplation, which is universally interpretted as Time to Play a Guessing Game! Yay! "Studying? Work? Vacation?" No, no, not exactly. I don´t mind the guessing game at all because I secretly hope each time that the person will guess correctly and then I´ll know the answer. I think that I´ll know it when I hear it. Sometimes I call it a "vacation from life", but that seems to imply that what I´m doing is somehow separate from life, which clearly it´s not. In fact, using that term caused Inés (one of the Germans I met towards the end of the Camino) to refer to my "former life". I tried to clarify that while this is clearly a huge departure from what I´ve done with my life to this point, I don´t see this journey as a rejection of anything that came before it.

Before my departure from the States, I received a letter from a friend. She asked if my travels were to be a "spiritual journey". I wrote back and said that yes, I expect they will be, but I don´t really know what that will mean. I only know that it being a "spiritual journey" doesn´t differentiate it from the rest of my life in any way. The one book that I carry with me (other than the audiobooks on my iPod of course...) is a pocket-size gem of Thomas Merton writing called "Thoughts in Solitude" - an incredibly thoughtful pre-departure gift from Sara. Given how much solitude I found on the Camino Primitivo (13 days of walking alone and three total albergue-mates over the 13 nights), it has proven quite appropriate.

Oh, before I go on, I should at least explain how I am in Spain. Though I can´t necessarily say why I´m here, I do know how it is that I came to be here, and perhaps that - because it is more concrete - will be a useful starting point. My original plan - first conceived in September 2006 to satisfy my life coach´s appetite for big dreams and out-of-the-box thinking - was to fly to Santiago, Chile with a backpack and then travel north by bus and foot until reaching California. The plan was attractive not because I actually thought I would do it, but because even considering it challenged my "ego ideal" (my perception of who I am). The concept of living mostly on foot and out of a backpack for months on end was foreign enough to excite and challenge me just as an idea. I didn´t think I´d actually have to do it. But it didn´t go away. So in early October of 2007, I rewarded the idea for its persistence by purchasing a one-way ticket to Santiago, Chile. Since a one-way ticket to Santiago was a little bit more expensive (this is true) than a ticket from Boston to JFK to Madrid to Atlanta to Santiago, I decided that I would take a three and a half week layover in Madrid and spend some time in Spain for "free". I felt smug.

Almost two months passed and I started to think about my completely unplanned journey. And when I say "think" what I mean is worry. In one nightmare, for example, I rode a bus in Spain with my 5,000 cubic inch capacity backpack entirely empty. I had not packed one thing. If I had a background in psychology, I could probably explain how this dream represents my fear of death or sexual impotence. But since I don´t yet, I´ll go with the obvious interpretation... my fear of being totally unprepared. I began to think about the trip logistically. The strength of the euro and the basic costs associated with staying alive made it clear that this trip to Spain - the clever little trick I played on Delta - would not be remotely free. So what did I do? I tried to get out of it, of course. Worst case scenario I figured I´d have to fly from Atlanta to Santiago on February 5th and forfeit the rest of the trip without refund. And yes, it would be inconvenient and costly to get to Atlanta, but not nearly as costly as three and a half weeks in Spain (which I calculated might be equivalent to 2-3 months in Latin America). I called Delta or Expedia or India and spoke with somebody. The man had to put me on hold to get answers for me. When he returned his voice sounded upbeat and I could change my itinerary - good news! If I paid two fees - a change of itinerary fee and a reissuance fee - of approximately $800 total, or more than I paid for the original ticket. The weirdest part: the tone of his voice was not "we regret to inform you..." From the tone of his voice, he entirely expected me to give Delta/Expedia $800 in addition to the three seats (Boston-JFK, JFK-Madrid, Madrid-Atlanta) which they would promptly re-sell. And I thought my offer to give them those three seats for free was pretty generous...

So that is how I ended up in Spain. On the one hand, you could say that I´m here for financial reasons (first because I thought it would be "free" and later because I didn´t think it worth $800 to not be here) On the other hand, you could say that all the signs indicate that I am supposed to be in Spain. Call it God, life, fate, synchronicity, the universe, Delta... someone/something wants me to be here. And here I am. Merton writes, "All truly contemplative souls have this in common: not that they gather exclusively in the desert, or that they shut themselves up in reclusion, but that where He is, there they are. (Merton refers here to Christ, not necessarily the language I would use, but I think that language is at a bit of a loss in this realm anyway.) And how do they find Him? By technique? There is no technique for finding Him. They find Him by His will. And His will, bringing them grace within and arranging their lives exteriorly, carries them infallibly to the precise place in which they can find Him. Even there they do not know how they have got there, or what they are really doing." (I added the bold for emphasis.) I´m not sure how Merton would feel about me quoting him in an attempt to lend spiritual justification to my quarter-life crisis...

Wow. I´m trying to come to an eloquent and definitive conclusion to this entry, but I cannot concentrate on anything other than the outrageously loud voices of two twenty-somethings who are alternately flirting and fighting. It sounds like fighting anyway. Part of the problem could be language frustrations; they are speaking English which is evidently the native language of neither. She seems to be trying to teach him how to use a computer. He won´t stop talking long enough to listen to her directions, so she repeatedly loses her patience and scolds, "Listen! Listen! Listen! Just listen, ok?" Ok, ok I´m listening. I pretty much have to eavesdrop. Which reminds me of the perfect words Lauren wrote in a card wishing me well on my travels, "Go slowly and notice as much as you can." There it is. That´s what I´m doing. Thank you, fighting couple in the internet place, for reminding me.

Though I´ll probably continue to include a photo or two in my blog when a visual aid is useful, I´ve created a "flickr" account to archive the majority of my photography. At this point, it´s not very user friendly because I haven´t yet organized or labeled the photos in any way. I plan to do that at some point, but my first concern was purely practical - the need to put my files somewhere and clear the memory card of my camera. Still, I definitely invite you to browse the images if you´re interested. The address is http://www.flickr.com/photos/elgringoandante/