Ways to Go

There are a lot of ways to travel, methods of getting from here to there. On this trip I´ve had the opportunity to try many of them - including ones I didn´t even know existed. Most memorable, so far, was the Machu Picchu adventure with the tarp-covered truck full of human beings and the metal box on a zip line river crossing. Those two are captured in the above photos, and it´s worth clicking on the river-crossing photo to enlarge it. The expression on my face is saying something beyond language, not quite expressible in words, but a rough translation might be, "Oh my God! I´m alive. How is this possible? Shouldn´t I be dead?" If I had died there, I wouldn´t be writing this now, but at least it would have been the kind of death that brings posthumous fame, the kind of death that produces books and films "based on the shocking true story". If I should die on one of these endless bus rides, it will be by my own hand. And it will be the fault of the on-board "entertainment". Where do airlines and bus lines get their movies? I think there must be a form of release called "direct to travel entertainment" for movies not quite good enough for "direct to video/DVD". "Films" released in this format self-destruct after one viewing.

Today I saw and heard the sequel to "Air Bud" - "Air Bud Strikes Back". That´s true. Against all odds, "Air Bud Strikes Back" exists. Bud, by the way, is a supernaturally gifted golden retriever who can do everything but speak, though I suspect he simply chooses not to because his agent read the script and advised him that a speaking role in this movie might ruin his career. "Air Bud Strikes Back" rocked my world, radically altered my cosmology; previously I had believed in a benevolent universe. On an airplane, it is possible to ignore the movie because you don´t have to listen to it. Without my iPod (which I left in Santiago), I have nothing to protect me from the bus speakers. On the plus side, though, I did discover an important mathematical formula today which I´ve dubbed the "Air Bud Theory". This formula calculates precisely how good a movie is (no more imprecision of two thumbs up or three stars or a palm d´or) on a scale from 1-100, with 100 being the top score. Quality of film = 100 - (% of the movie that is a montage set to bad music). "Air Bud Strikes Back" scores a 35. In my favorite scene (I don´t want to ruin the movie for you, but... hahahaha), the two robbers (who also happen to be plumbers... Home Alone?) have captured a talking parrot named Polly who they are using as bait to lure the heroic golden retriever into an ill-fated rescue attempt so that they can use Air Bud to steal a valuable diamond which is protected by laser sensors that only he can dodge. Anyway, the robbers are driving around town looking for Bud, while Polly - caged in the back of the truck - drives them crazy by singing "Yankee Doodle Dandy" over and over. At first, I was annoyed because a parrot singing "Yankee Doodle Dandy" is really obnoxious, but when I realized the similarity of our situations (the robbers stuck in their truck with Polly and me stuck on the bus with Air Bud) I burst out laughing, which was embarrassing because my neighbor probably assumed that I was enjoying the movie, but I needed that laugh.

I´m grateful to that bus for bringing me back to Chile, which - though in the opposite direction geographically - feels closer to home. I smiled and nodded at the now familiar white on black street signs, listened - mesmerized - to the distinct, metallic song of Chilean coins in my pocket, and chuckled to myself "oh Chile" every time I saw or heard or smelled something that makes this country Chile and not Peru. Not that there´s anything wrong with Peru, but familiarity is very appealing right now (so appealing that I´ve been eating Oreos this week because they taste like America) and Chile is familiar. Arica has beautiful beaches which my bare feet will rejoice on tomorrow, yet I am almost as excited by the Santa Isabel - an actual supermarket with aisles and high, warehouse ceilings and harsh, fluorescent lights and products that shouldn´t be available in this part of the world or at this time of year. And I love it. As horrifying and unnatural as it is, I love the supermarket. I plan to go there again tomorrow to wander and gaze in awe and wonder. It´s like a free amusement park or a museum of life in the early 21st century. In a few decades you might have to buy an entrance ticket and be led up and down the aisles by a guide who will explain the staggering assortment of food - how many natural resources were squandered shipping it around the world, how much of it went to waste, how much of it was poison, how hard it was to choose between all the different options, and all the time that was wasted purchasing and preparing food before the complete nutrient pill was perfected. (Yes, I re-read "Brave New World" last week.) In the meantime, I´m going to enjoy some "completos" - a hot dog topped with mayonnaise, ketchup, avocado, tomatoes, and sometimes onions and mustard - because even that would be a better way to go than Air Bud-induced suicide.

UPDATE: Make sure you read my brother´s "comentario". He knows a lot about Air Bud and caught a pretty embarrassing error in this entry.